oof oof oof

[nanslice]

I ended up spending most of last week violently and grossly ill. :( It was a pretty miserable experience that I don't want to go through again any time soon!

Life feels so hard right now. Part of it is the short, dark, rainy days. I used to think that I enjoyed that but now having lived in the PNW for almost four years, I can safely say winter completely wrecks me. Next year I'm planning a trip out of town.



I certainly wasn't in great mental shape before I got sick but it definitely worsened while I was sick. I just...everything seems to pointless, lol. It's very hard to get excited about anything; looking forward to stuff is just not happening. I also am struggling so hard to focus on anything at all. Like...I just refresh the same three or four websites. Or refresh my email. Or just kinda stare into space, haha.

It's depression, I'm sure of it, it's just never hit so hard before, and I also don't have enough energy or even interest in focusing on anything to take my mind off it. It's like...I want to want to do something like draw or read or play video games, it just feels impossible to actually start doing those things.

And then I'm like....is this a midlife crisis? Do I need to find a new passion? Do I just need some goddamn sun??

idk, guys. It's rough. I'm not in danger or anything, I just. Am having an extremely bad time right now.



In other news, cyphercat and I went to watch Deep Sky and it was extremely beautiful and moving. Did I cry? Yes. Space is fascinating.

Comments

[umadoshi]

:( I'm sorry about both the nasty illness and the brain weasels. Both are awful. *sympathies*

[redsixwing]

Oof, that sucks. *offers hugs*

Space IS fascinating. Hooray for the sheer size of the known universe. <3

[delphi]

*hugs* I'm so sorry. That sounds like depression, all right. I had my own winter stint, and it was miserable. If it's any consolation, I can almost guarantee that with whatever help is right for you (seeing the sun, seeing a doctor, taking care of yourself with good food and some activity in the meantime), this will end eventually and your focus and interest in things that make you happy will come back.

[adafrog]

{{{hugs}}}
That's the biggest reason I'm not sorry I left Oregon after graduation.

*hugs*

[oldtoadwoman]

Depression sucks. When I'm in it, I can never tell the difference between it-objectively-sucks-right-now and my-brain-is-just-telling-me-it-sucks. (Which means, in hindsight, I realize I have often put up with objectively-sucky situations for too long because I didn't have the energy to deal with it, but also I often didn't even realize how bad things were because I got in the habit of dismissing everything as being my depression.)

Is there anything really passive (zero effort) that makes you feel better ("better" in the context of depression can even mean "slightly less sucky")? Listening to music or burning incense or having some tea? One of the worst parts of depression for me is the nagging sense of guilt that I should be doing something more productive. (Another feature of depression, that weird urge to kick yourself when you're already down.) I like to re-frame "staring at the walls" as "meditating". It sounds so much fancier that way.

[shanaqui]

♥ I hope things get better.

[lassarina]

Depression is the wooooooooorst. It hit me super hard when I moved to Chicago and continues to do so. If you'd like, I can share the things I do to make it less-worse?