oof oof oof

[nanslice]

I ended up spending most of last week violently and grossly ill. :( It was a pretty miserable experience that I don't want to go through again any time soon!

Life feels so hard right now. Part of it is the short, dark, rainy days. I used to think that I enjoyed that but now having lived in the PNW for almost four years, I can safely say winter completely wrecks me. Next year I'm planning a trip out of town.



I certainly wasn't in great mental shape before I got sick but it definitely worsened while I was sick. I just...everything seems to pointless, lol. It's very hard to get excited about anything; looking forward to stuff is just not happening. I also am struggling so hard to focus on anything at all. Like...I just refresh the same three or four websites. Or refresh my email. Or just kinda stare into space, haha.

It's depression, I'm sure of it, it's just never hit so hard before, and I also don't have enough energy or even interest in focusing on anything to take my mind off it. It's like...I want to want to do something like draw or read or play video games, it just feels impossible to actually start doing those things.

And then I'm like....is this a midlife crisis? Do I need to find a new passion? Do I just need some goddamn sun??

idk, guys. It's rough. I'm not in danger or anything, I just. Am having an extremely bad time right now.



In other news, cyphercat and I went to watch Deep Sky and it was extremely beautiful and moving. Did I cry? Yes. Space is fascinating.

Comments

[umadoshi]

:( I'm sorry about both the nasty illness and the brain weasels. Both are awful. *sympathies*

[nanslice]

Thank you. :< I'm sure the brain weasels fed on the nasty illness (or vice versa) and it all just made things terrible. I'm feeling much better now!

[redsixwing]

Oof, that sucks. *offers hugs*

Space IS fascinating. Hooray for the sheer size of the known universe. <3

[nanslice]

*accepts hugs!!*

And knowing that the known universe is just a tiny fraction of the universe as a whole! That is crazy to me! It's something that if I think about it too long my brain goes weird. XD

[redsixwing]

Yesssss. :D

[delphi]

*hugs* I'm so sorry. That sounds like depression, all right. I had my own winter stint, and it was miserable. If it's any consolation, I can almost guarantee that with whatever help is right for you (seeing the sun, seeing a doctor, taking care of yourself with good food and some activity in the meantime), this will end eventually and your focus and interest in things that make you happy will come back.

[nanslice]

Thank you. <3 You were absolutely right! As soon as February 1st hit and the days stopped getting shorter, I started feeling better. Happy Imbolc , indeed. ;3;

[delphi]

I'm really glad to hear it. I hope spring continues to improve. ❤️

[adafrog]

{{{hugs}}}
That's the biggest reason I'm not sorry I left Oregon after graduation.

[nanslice]

*hugs!*
It's really hard! I think for next year I'll try to plan a little vacation to somewhere warmer and sunnier. Even just a weekend in Vegas, lol.

[adafrog]

lol

*hugs*

[oldtoadwoman]

Depression sucks. When I'm in it, I can never tell the difference between it-objectively-sucks-right-now and my-brain-is-just-telling-me-it-sucks. (Which means, in hindsight, I realize I have often put up with objectively-sucky situations for too long because I didn't have the energy to deal with it, but also I often didn't even realize how bad things were because I got in the habit of dismissing everything as being my depression.)

Is there anything really passive (zero effort) that makes you feel better ("better" in the context of depression can even mean "slightly less sucky")? Listening to music or burning incense or having some tea? One of the worst parts of depression for me is the nagging sense of guilt that I should be doing something more productive. (Another feature of depression, that weird urge to kick yourself when you're already down.) I like to re-frame "staring at the walls" as "meditating". It sounds so much fancier that way.

Re: *hugs*

[nanslice]

When I'm in it, I can never tell the difference between it-objectively-sucks-right-now and my-brain-is-just-telling-me-it-sucks.
Yes, so much this! Like, I can factual come up with good things that are happening but it feels like the bad things are so much bigger and are going to swallow the good things up. ;3;

nagging sense of guilt that I should be doing something more productive.
This is an all the time feeling for me and it's something my therapist has already pinged me on. |D

[shanaqui]

♥ I hope things get better.

[nanslice]

Thank you ♥

[lassarina]

Depression is the wooooooooorst. It hit me super hard when I moved to Chicago and continues to do so. If you'd like, I can share the things I do to make it less-worse?

[nanslice]

Depression is the wooooooooorst. It hit me super hard when I moved to Chicago and continues to do so. If you'd like, I can share the things I do to make it less-worse?

Sure! Right now I'm taking vitamin D and have a sunlamp (and run outside to sit in the sun whenever that is available) but I would deeply appreciate any advice.

[lassarina]

Those are both good! Other things I do:

- take a stupid walk for my stupid physical and mental health. If it's sunny and not hideously cold, outdoors works. If it is rainy or hideous, there's a fitness center run by the village that I can use for free that has a perfectly functional walking track. Boring, but gets the job done. (When I have to work in-office, I usually take the commuter rail downtown and walk a mile to the office, then I get to take the L train home which stops right outside the building.)

- plan small joy things. Make a date night to a favorite low-key restaurant. Plan to go to a museum event (or food festival or whatever.) During October and November I keep an eye out for events I might like to do, because having them set up ahead of time reduces the angst of "don't wanna do anything." I may still completely fail at doing the thing, but it removes a level of friction.

- my BioWare fandom server is doing a cute tiny exchange (500 words) called Holiday Hangover where we planned the signups for just after New Year's and the fic is due this week, intentionally low stress to help get through the darkest part of winter. I think it would be fun to maybe do a small fic swap with friends or something for the same happy brain chemicals.

...looking at these they're all kind of Obvious but in my experience it's not so much knowing what I need to do as actually doing it, and I'm slowly getting better at working around my brain for this. (I say this, and then I spent all of today lumping sadly in a blanket and my brain is sufficiently off kilter that I was vaguely mad that the meal kit I made for dinner turned out delicious, because I didn't want to cook in the first place, how dare it be tasty. I mean. I'm very aware this is an incredibly silly brain space, but here I am.)

[nanslice]

- take a stupid walk for my stupid physical and mental health.
Ooof, yeah, this is a big one. We took a walk on Saturday around Georgetown and it was really nice. ;3;

- plan small joy things.
Aww, yeah! Watching Deep Sky on Imax was definitely a nice date. :3 This also touches on something my therapist told me, that for me part of the joy is the planning stage and there's nothing wrong with that, especially as an anxiety coping mechanism.

- my BioWare fandom server is doing a cute tiny exchange (500 words) called Holiday Hangover
This is such a cute idea! I got burnt out pretty hard out exchanges last year, but I have been devoting a not small amount of spare time to making art of Warhammer OCs, because the OC community of that fandom is extremely welcome and enthusiastic. XD

I can sympathize with your last paragraph, I spent today in being only semi-human and not wanting to do much of anything. I'm not worrying too much about it because I do think giving my brain rest days is a good thing, but I do not want to be like this tomorrow. :<

[lassarina]

I can tell my sunlight batteries have completely run out of charge because I am at "please just let me crawl into my blanket pile and stay there for a month with zero responsibilities" long term right now, oops. But it's nice out today and I have the window open for sun and breeze, so. There's that.