Ooof

[nanslice]

Soo.....I called a crisis hotline for the first time in my life this morning! And gosh. Just. Gosh.

Let me start from the beginning. So I transferred to the new store last week and immediately knew it wasn't going to work out. It was not a good fit, most of the team wasn't very welcoming, the ones that were were fine but it was a mess. So I was like oh no, this isn't going to work out so I immediately started putting out resumes and got a call back SAME DAY for a merchandising job. And I was glad! So I quit my previous job! And we started immediately going through the onboarding process!

And then Monday happened. I sat in my first meeting and it was fine, sure thing, whatever. Except. One of the higher ups gets on the call and she just starts ranting about people meeting their goals and visiting their stores and if they call out it's their responsibility to figure out how to cover their stores, etc. And it was a lot! But I was like sure okay, this isn't directed at me, I just started, but it definitely wasn't a good look.

And then I'm in a second meeting and it's for training but...I don't actually have access to any of the stuff they're training? So we work off an ipad and I didn't have mine yet. I could work through some of the stuff on my PC but of course, it wasn't working right, I wasn't able to actually log in, it was mess.

And then Tuesday happened! I'm supposed to meet my immediately supervisor out in the field and do some calls. I haven't received my ipad yet. I message him and was like this is a lot, can I please just figure out how to do stuff on the ipad before we go out, I still can't clock in and out. And he calls me! And is like I know it's a lot! You got this tho! We can go out tomorrow~!

Meanwhile my ipad comes in! And for some reason it has me in Irvine, CA??? That's not where I live or where my stores are! So I tell him this and he's like ope let me tell IT so they can fix it.

This morning, I woke up and just. Was a mess. throwing up and crying and just. Such a mess. I reel it in and get cypher to the train station, come home, take a shower, and then start having thoughts about how I absolutely know how to make the anxiety go away.

READERS. I KNEW THIS WAS BAD. So I immediately called a crisis care line, talk to three different ladies (one of whom was in Georgia, so that was fun!) and got some support. I talked to Cypher a bit and they were also very supportive and then I just kinda told my supervisor that I can't accept this job, I'm very sorry.



So that's that! I'm...still fairly emotionally fragile and I've randomly been tearing up. I'm privileged enough to be in a position where I can take some time off from work. W called it some midwinter wifing, I called it being a housecarl, either way it means I'll be staying home for a little while. Get my bearings back, I guess.

But! I did manage to get the Christmas tree decorated and made stockings for everyone! That's...that's something, right?