Plant your hope with good seeds

My mood dropped this afternoon and I ended up spending the better part of an hour crying in the bathroom. Just thinking about my dad and the things he didn't get to see and things that I wish I could tell him (even though everything important was said). It's funny; you think maybe you have a handle on grief and then it proves to you that nah, you really don't.

I really miss him.

So one of the first monologues we analyzed in script writing was about a woman with leukemia who's facing down her death. Of course, I started crying in class, haha. I made it through and afterwards a friend comforted me and I headed over the the art building. I was really tempted to just go home but i didn't want to miss any class.

Because I'm in painting 5, I can wear headphones and do my own thing. So I'm listening to music and this unknown recording comes on.

Now, for some reason, my phone has the habit of just randomly recording the sounds around it. idk why it does this but it does. Normally I just delete because it's not like anything important is being recorded; usually just the sound of me eating or something. But for some reason I decide to go ahead and listen to this one. Probably because I was concentrating pretty hard on the piece I was working on and didn't want to like, press the skip button lmao.

So I'm working and listening to myself eating chips or something out of a bag, when suddenly my dad starts talking. Apparently this recording took place in the living room and he'd come in from the back porch and started talking to my mom. And he sounds happy and whole and I'm sure this was around Christmas time because he complained about it being cold outside.

And I'm just so happy. I was so afraid I'd eventually forget what he sounded like. But I won't. I have this. I have like nine more that I need to listen to of various lengths.

And if I'd just gone home after script writing, I probably wouldn't have heard this for a long while. It's funny how things work out.

My dad passed away at 7:50am this morning. Thank you all for being here. I love you guys.

My dad's condition is deteriorating, to the point that I need to help him bathe. I try very hard to remain positive in front of him and not seem upset but it's difficult to see my dad, who has always been so physically powerful, now be so weakened and vulnerable. However, while he has moments despair and shame, overall he's still in good spirits. And he enjoys food and being disappointed at how badly the Atlanta Braves are doing this year.

( this is very practical and very morbid )

I ended up taking my mom back the doctor on Tuesday because she's been constipated for about a week and none of the laxatives I've gotten for her have helped. They prescribed a laxative that seems to be helping slowly. They suggested a colonoscopy just to rule out colon cancer and I was like jfc are you kidding me, can we please catch a break here? They didn't seem too concerned about that possibility, it was more of a just in case due to Mom's age, but GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.

I'm going to make a more pleasant post later on this evening but I wanted to get this more serious stuff out.

So the nephew who I had stupid facebook drama with came down from Washington to see Dad. And as soon as he looked at him he started to cry. I wasn't expecting this because nephew and my dad had never really been that close but in reality my dad was probably the only positive male role model my nephew had.

And it kills me. This kills me. To know that there's all this history between us and that my dad was part of saving my nephew and nieces lives (figuratively, not literally) and knowing that's going to be coming to an end. That this chapter is being closed. Not tonight, not tomorrow, but sometime relatively soon.

And I think I've become accustomed to all this, I've become accustom to Dad's decline but then someone comes with fresh eyes and it's like I see him through their eyes and it's like. Oh right. This is terrible. And it just feels like my heart is breaking and bleeding all over the place again.

My sister got in touch with a local cancer support group so that's good. The head of it is one of her grooming clients so that's incredibly handy, haha. I ended up having a chat with her and got very emotional; her mother died of cancer and she was a cancer survivor, so she had a lot of experience and had a lot to share with me. Some of it was helpful, some of it was terrifying. But probably still helpful.

My boss told me that we needed to set up a living will. This is a terrifying discussion. I brought it up to my mom and she does not want to bring it up to my dad. I can understand, of course, but. I think it's something that needs to be discussed.

My dad and I shook hands today and he was able to grasp my hand pretty firmly. This is a victory. He also got up from his wheelchair and was able to get in his recliner with minimal help. This is a huge victory.

I told my dad that there was no place I'd rather be than by his side and he started to cry. I managed to keep a straight face and a non-wavering voice when I hugged him and told him that I loved him and that he was one of my favorite people in the world so where else would I rather be than right by his side? And he told me I was his favorite kid. Of course, once I got him situated and left the room I started to cry. But! I didn't cry in front of him.

Kiddo (my great niece) is coming over this weekend. She knows some of what's going on but not all. On one hand, I'm glad she'll be here since she needs to spend time with him. He helped raise her! On the other hand, I wonder if, at 15, she'll be able to handle this. I don't want her crying in front of him. They need to be able to have a good time together.

My mom cried a little today but one of her friends called and they had a nice chat. I think it was helpful for her. I'm going to insist that she take advantage of the cancer support group. She needs to be able to get her emotions out.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer. We don't know where it started but it's spread in his lungs, liver, bones, and brain. They didn't give us a prognosis. He's refusing chemo or radiation (which I understand) and also pain treatment. He's not in pain right now but they wanted to set up a plan for what we should do later but he's refusing, saying that he'll deal with it when/if it comes to that. Which is such a Dad thing that I can't even be mad. He wants to go out his own way, on his own terms. I can respect that, even though I'm not looking forward to having to take him to the hospital once the pain does set in.

They gave us a steroid prescription to help with the swelling on his brain, which should help give him more control over his right leg and arm.

The doctor at the hospital (we've never gone to this particular doctor or this particular hospital) said this should have been caught a long time ago. I agree. Particularly since Dad has religiously gone to a regular doctor. But there's nothing to be done about the past. We can only move forward.

In reality, today is the same as yesterday, as last week, as last month. He had this the entire time. And honestly, if it weren't for the limpness in his right arm and leg, we still wouldn't know about it. The nurse said his breathing is extremely good. He's lucid and still has all his mental facilities. He's been joking all day. Fuck, right now he's in his bedroom eating strawberries and watching a baseball game. And his bedroom is very nearby where I'm sitting in the living room; I can hear him if he calls for me.

Today has been a struggle. Mom's holding it together so much better than me; I've been crying more often than not. As little as possible in front of Dad, since I don't want to depress him. I've been joking and keeping things going. But man. I'm not really keeping it together very well. I'm probably going to have a long, hard, sobfest when I go to bed.

Thank you all for being here.