nanslice | Whew~! (Reply)

And then I disappeared again! Honestly it's probably a mix of feeling very overwhelmed by life and also feeling like I don't really have anything to share. Which isn't at all true! I have things to share! But gosh, things have also been very difficult. Bad enough that Will told me that my quality of life seems poor right now. Which is because of MH stuff. Which is why I have an appointment to be evaluated for ADHD on Wednesday.

I'm kind of scared about this, tbh. Like, I definitely think there's something going on with me, I can't sit still for more than an hour, I have to take breaks while watching a movie because sitting to watch them is difficult, I find it very hard to sit and work on things I enjoy (art, writing has become impossible), I move back and forth between my desk and the big recliner constantly (kind of pacing around Will like a shark almost, lol). Not to mention working. Guys, I'm so good at getting jobs and then the keeping part comes and it's like? Oh??? I am trapped here now???? I cannot...go away???? and then my body absolutely goes in the fritz and I'm getting physically sick and crying and.

And this also goes for fun things. trying to meet up with people? Trying to play DnD (something I categorically enjoy because I love theatrics), trying to do anything. Not anxiety in the sense that I'm worried? But anxiety in the sense of "now I am constrained in this particular activity for an uncertain (or, if certain, then too long) amount of time" if that makes sense? It's very annoying! It's making both work and personal life impossible.

I recognize this is not normal, lmao. This is also somewhat new behavior for me, although I can look back over the years and see how it has progressed. I've read that ADHD symptoms get worse for women the closer they get to perimenopause and lads, I'm there.

But also....wow. Wow. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for years but those are things that happen to a brain. If I have ADHD, that's just...my brain. That's just who I am and I'll have to find ways to work with who I am and how my brain works. And that's kind of scary, I guess? But like. I have to deal with this and learn how to work with it because I cannot keep going on like this. Will is still struggling to find work and I'm burning through job opportunities left and right. One of us needs to have a job and keep that job.

(and also it sure would be nice to be able to sit and work on one piece of art for eight hours at a time like I used to be able to, lmao)

So there's that. UHM. YEAH. Having a lot of feelings about that right now!

IN OTHER NEWS my tomatoes are so big and too closely planted together, but they're doing so great! And my squash patch is growing so fast too, we're gonna have so many zucks and mini-pumpkins, haha. AND I GREW THEM FROM SEED. SEED. <3

There are also, in the squash patch, a couple of pepper plants and several onions battling for space. (there's also a couple of peppers by the tomato patch, I have four pepper plants and thirteen peppers growing big!). Today's gonna be the first little harvest, I think (we've been picking peas and strawberries and munching them as we walk about the backyard, but not a full, "time to bring the fruits of our labor inside). There will be homegrown peas in the stir fry this evening! ♥ ♥ ♥

And some art I have done! Logan Grimnar, High King of Fenris, and Arjac Rockfist, the Anvil of Fenris (and Grimnar's Champion), being cozy in front of a fire. ♥